
I was wondering whether to write this or not. Part of me felt like silence would be more "dignified" somehow. My friends have told me to just forget you, that I deserve better. I agree. But I also feel like if I don't write this to you, my mind won't start to rest easy. Somehow, I feel more grown up these days, and in proof that I am a better human being than you, I won't curse you with the immature silence you have provided me. At the very least, in this capacity, you will never be able to accuse me of simply taking off without a word of explanation. I'll even try to write as clearly as possible.
For starters I am well aware there is the chance you will never answer this letter. I've made my peace with this. Even if you do reply, I don't expect it to be with a lucidity I rarely see from you. I know the answer will no doubt be cryptic, offhand and dismissive. I'm fine with that. I was hoping to speak to you in person, all these words would be given face to face, but you won't grant me that luxury. This isn't the ideal, but it's the only thing I have. I've written you handwritten letters if you must know, letters I knew I would never be able to give to you with their original intentions. They now exist torn up and broken, in the bin in the staff room at work. Overemotional maybe, but definitely honest.
What do I want to say to you? Many things. I'd like to ask you many questions, questions I know you will never answer. There will always be conflicts and defence in the answers too. I'd like to know why your attitude suddenly changed on Friday, I'd like to know why you feel the need to bear such a huge grudge, why you say you don't want revenge when every action you made seemed intent on making me pay for something. There's things I want you to know, things you don't seem aware of, or don't seem to care about. It makes me wonder how you can be so cold about it, it makes me wonder who else has hurt you so badly in the past you feel the need to shut down in this manner rather than try a conversation that could bring us both some healing. I want you to know I am well aware I hurt you in the past, and as you know I have fully apologised for this.
I have practically crawled in the dirt for you. There's not much else I can do. You felt the need to hurt me for this though. You say it's not revenge but I was on my knees on Saturday night, trying to wonder why you wouldn't answer your phone. You looked me in the eye, and said words I will never forget. You said “Now you know how it feels”. You then said it wasn't revenge, but what are those words then? You say you're too busy to answer the phone, to send me a simple message when I tell you I'm hurting. When you truly have feelings for someone, there's no such thing as busy. You find two minutes of the day to make someone stop hurting. You give them time. You look them in the eye and you stop playing around with your phone and watching X-Factor when they're pouring your heart out to you. You take a moment to step outside with them and talk about it rationally, like two adults who want to fight to make things better. You don't take two weeks to “make up your mind”.
If you cared about me the way I cared about you, you wouldn't spend a moment trying to avoid them, ignoring them, keeping away from them and resisting the temptation to get in touch with them. If you felt what I felt on Thursday night, you'd want that feeling forever. You'd try and look to the future, you'd want some happiness, you'd try and start anew so you could spend every night curled in the arms like we were. Every word you said to me that night, that brilliant wonderful night is in doubt now. You had me so convinced, and then with your actions you took it all away. Why would someone cut off their nose to spite their face?
Because by making me hurt, you're making yourself hurt too. You're losing out on the chance to have someone who could really care for you, who could really make you happy. Someone you feel comfortable and wonderful with. And don't lie and say you don't feel comfortable and wonderful. How many people do you know carry on where they left off three years ago? And for it to feel so right, to not feel so awkward.
You keep judging me on the person I was three years ago, without even giving me the hint of a chance to prove myself. You're so wrapped up in your own hurt you fail to see mine, and if you do see it you certainly don't care, or maybe it makes you feel avenged or satisfied in some capacity. I may have hurt you three years ago, but I spent the rest of those three years genuinely trying to start afresh with you, to make amends and wipe the slate clean. And you would proclaim to want to, and then ignore me all over again, preferring to hear what other people had to say about me than what I had to prove about myself. You made me hurt for those three years, you should know this now.
You said something quite deep on Friday morning, about how we keep going about in circles. You joked about us, you said we'd keep going about in circles. Maybe you weren't joking. I think you know the effect you have on me, like no other man ever has. You know I love you. You know even know, in my deepest hurt and my messed head over you, if you said “come to me” I would gladly go at any hour of the day. Maybe this is what drives you, I don't think I will ever know.
I'm going to break this cycle, because as much as I love you I love myself more, and I need to look after myself. I have never felt so low as I have in the past week, unable to take you out of my head and wondering what your real intentions were. You may know this, it may make you happy. If your intent was to hurt me, you succeeded. If it wasn't, I don't know what the hell goes through your head.
I don't feel the need to make extravagant claims and block you. I could say I'll try and forget you but I know I never will. You're like a thorn in my paw I'll just have to live with, eventually some skin will grow around it and the pain will die down. You could make the thorn come out if you wanted to, maybe some day you will. I know it won't take days or weeks, it will probably take years or maybe never even happen. Maybe you'll never realise what you're losing by simply not sitting down and talking to me. A friendship. A relationship. A deep love. A comfort. All because you want to spite me, punish me, because you're too scared of taking a chance. Life, life lived well, is always about taking chances. I was fully prepared to take that chance with you.
I'm not writing this for you, I'm mainly writing it for myself. For my own peace of mind. To let it out and know that you still laid claim to silence, you still decided to reject me after I gave it my absolute everything. This time it was you who walked away. Ironically, because you were so scared of losing me you've pushed me away totally. Maybe one day you'll see me dancing with another man and realise that could have been you, because I truly believe the satisfaction you get from what you've done won't keep you warm for very long.
So what I'm telling you, in brief, is that I am not going to ignore you. But I refuse you as a friend, and as a lover, and as a part of my life. I refuse this vicious cycle. I refuse to let you dismiss my feelings as not being genuine, or hysterical. I refuse to let you keep punishing me for something I have claimed full repentance for. I refuse to let you see me as a monster. I deserve better.
I never leave a door closed though, but I won't open it for just anyone. Maybe one day I'll let you come back in, when I feel like you've really understood everything I have written here. Maybe you don't want to come back in, that's fine, the door is always open. I will say hello to you, I'm not going to be dramatic and ignore you. But that connection we shared? You've broken it because you've wanted to, and until you say the right words and make the right actions and want to repair it, it won't even start.
I feel a lot better after writing this, I hope at least part of it gets through.
Love always (because love is just more than the sunny days),
Jonathan.